The "Thanks, I'll Pass" Option

ok every one the last name does not matter the fact is ur taking the biggest step of ur life so just enjoy it

As a tenure-track professor, it's very important that my fiancee keep her last name, so all of the research she has done and articles she has published before we are married will continue to be associated with her career as she moves forward. It is an example of the name indeed carrying qualifications, abilities and achievement. I'm very proud of her, and am looking forward to taking and sharing her name.

First, I'd like to let all the men know that there aren't actually harpies who come to chop out certain parts of your anatomy if you decide to change your name to your wife's. I was really encouraged that the conversation here was started by guys who are changing their name; you are awesome. I was also disheartened and a little shocked at many of the fears and anxieties that people shared about this topic. It just goes to show you that sexism is not irrelevant in any marriage; even if you do your best, those are still the external pressures you face and they still affect your marriage in certain places. The name change issue is one of those places, and the fact that some of the men on this board are so strongly against changing their names highlights my point. After agonizing over it, I decided to make my husband's last name my middle name, and keep my last name (yet another option, but requires a separate court order in some states). He refused to take my last name as his middle name, which I accepted - this is because of sexism, but not necessarily because my husband is sexist. I also wanted to say to groomgroove that I think it is really great that there is a venue for this discussion. However, I am offended by the implication that the wife's choice of name would be the decision of the couple. I offered my opinion about the name I would have preffered my husband to choose, but the choice was ultimately his, just as my choice was mine. Keeping an open dialogue is certainly important in the relationshp, but, while men are allowed to have an opinion, their wife's name is NOT their choice. The person who has to live with this name is the only person who can make the choice, both legally and morally.

I love tradition so I would dnever consider taking my last name. And as for a high power job, a name doesn't carry your qualifications, abilities and achievement. If you took your husbands last name, all those things would still go with you. It's just that everyone else would learn to call you by a different last name.

I'm proud to say that my husband is secure enough in his identity and in our relationship to never have considered asking a woman to change her name to his, and to always have assumed that any woman he married would want to keep her name. He is also very clear that we are a family and he certainly does not think I am an 'ugly person' as Lisa below so kindly stated. Oh, and I didn't have a 'high-power' job at all. I was unemployed when we got together, in fact, and I'm only just going through grad school now. I don't need an excuse to keep my name. I have the right to keep that link to my identity (or, just to not have to stand in all those lines and do all that messing around) just as much as he does, and just as much as all the men who state they would NEVER - gasp! - take their wife's name. We have been married almost 6 years, and are very happy and optimistic about our future together. Some people made silly comments, but they were dealt with appropriately - either it was ignored or a polite request was made to stop (or, in one case, a complaint was made to the person's manager.) The reaction of, say, my father-in-law, is completely irrelevant, as it's as little of his business as, say, his choice of car is my business. Some people did make fools of themselves by purposely or 'accidentally' calling me the wrong name, and others genuinely slipped up, and all were pleasantly informed of my actual name. Simple. Names have nothing whatsoever to do with what makes a family. Aren't you your maternal grandmother's grandson? You probably have a different name to her. Many cultures have done without last names, or without the custom of women changing, and functioned just fine.

My future husband is taking my last name because his last name is Frankenstein. He was made fun of all his life and now is the perfect opportunity to change his name. He is totally fine with it:)

Please do not take the woman's last name! That's just...not right. In my family, I'm the last with our family name, so I am choosing to hyphenate. But, my fiancee's cousin chose to keep hers due to her so-called high power job, and it just makes her look like an ugly person, and her husband look like a wet mop. Be the man in our lives, we're YOUR wife, you aren't ours. Treat us like ladies and wear the pants, but allow us to wear a very womanly & confident skirt beside you.

I'm not Mister old fashioned, but there's nothing wrong with some traditions. If you want to take on your wife's name or pick some new name just to buck at conformity, so be it. But it seems lame to me, and a knee-jerk reaction to an alleged sexism that isn't necessarily there in every case. A woman strength and independence comes by way of her actions and character, not by refusing her husband's name.

My fiancé is discarding her middle name and going first name, maiden name, my last name. It is another option. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

the way me and my fiancee are doing it, we are sharing names, so we are becoming gelinas-ramsay

Definitely disappointed by the fact that you didn't include taking the wife's name. My fiance was all for taking mine (I have 2 sisters and my father only had sisters so there's nobody to pass the name on) but then his father wouldn't let us. It's a viable option.

You know, a name change for men isn't a big deal , and if the stigma attached is ever going to be removed, more guys need to think about it. Also, there is the concern of "passing on the family name." Well, how do you think the father of the bride feels? FYI,Don Cherry's son in law did it.

Hey guys - Thanks for the comments. We will explore taking the wife's name and revisit the article.

For "Guy" - who is going to take their wife's name? I mean, really. Yeah, i'm sure it's a nice jesture and even if you have a long name, no guy is going to do it.

Most definitely a very important step.

K - that's gotta be a first. But if his name is hard to spell or weird, fine, but his friends are going to make fun of him!