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[+] considerations for the prospective groom
[+] all the groom needs to know about engagement rings
a second marriage for the groom?
dealing with cold feet or wedding jitters
the name change: sometimes touchy
backing out of your wedding: a survival manual
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When your fiancée suddenly becomes your wife, you will have to get used to a whole new introduction in social situations. For you, it's not so bad. "This is my... wife , Cheryl." It will be a process of trial and error that will start with the occasional "girlfriend" or "fiancée" and will eventually become an automatic "wife."
When it comes to yourwife , however, being a married woman now means a potential rebirth in the eyes of every company on the planet with whom you're associated. It also means your wife may be shedding her family name forever, which carries its own set of emotions.
A University of Florida study by Diana Boxer involving 134 married women ranging in age from their 20s to their 70s who lived in various parts of the United States, found that only 18 percent had kept their own names, compared with 77 percent who took a husband's name.
Despite the trend to revert to tradition, you should know you have more than one option as a married couple as to what to do about the name thing. (And this choice is ultimately a personal one.)
The Old-Fashioned Option
The most traditional approach to post-nuptial naming is for the wife to adopt your surname and discard her own. This may take some time for her to get used to, especially if she has a fondness (or preference) for her name. This will also require her to diligently change her name to yours on all existing accounts and documents. This can be a long and tedious task, but there are services out there to lighten the load. MissNowMrs.com is one of these services. There you can enter the name change in one place and MissNowMrs.com will make the change for your Social Security, IRS, U.S. Passport, U.S. Postal Service, Driver's License and Certified Marriage Certificate(s) documents. This does require some entering of information, a fee, and some printing, but is far easier than tackling each document separately.
The Hyphenated Option
This approach to re-naming can be a good compromise for those women who wish to state that they're yours and also still themselves. It can conjure up images of royalty or power-hungry, self-important women, but in the end, the call is hers. For teachers and for women with established careers, this option is understandable.
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Laila
Tue, Jan.26th 2010
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I married at 24 and REALLY love my maiden name but gave it up in the name of tradition and to have the same name as my stepchildren and to please my fiance because I didn't want to be "difficult". It was like I lost my identity because I already lived out of state where people didn't know me and then changed my name was like I didn't even know me and couldn't remember my own name! It caused a lot of resentment on my part because I'd asked my fiance to either both change our names or just each keep our own- but I gave in. ...5 yrs later...I divorced my husband because of the same selfish inconsideration of not taking into account what/why things were important to me. I reclaimed my maiden name and it was like I gained back a part of my spirit. For whatever reason Fate has brought my ex-husband into my life again and we have worked things out. He has become much more sensitive and giving and understanding. We will remarry in July 2010. When I mentioned his taking my name this time he swallowed hard and said he'd do it. After he said that I realized that I didn't want to take his identity as he is now 34 and will soon retire from the military. We are both in total agreement that we will each keep our names and are undecided what we will do when/if we are blessed with children but we know it really isn't that big a deal. It's really about respecting and supporting each other's decision. Afterall, this is what makes marriages work; not having the last same name.
Empathetic
Mon, Jan.25th 2010
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I was a groom who took my bride's last name 15 yrs ago. Be absolutely sure before you do this. It's not as permanent as a tattoo but harder to explain and remove. You will be teased and feel humiliated even till after death do you part. I did it so she, her kids and I would all have the same last name. Yes, it is her first husband's name. The legal hoops and document changes aren't so bad and will only take a month or so to complete. But you will be Mr (her name) then. You will have maiden and married names. You will say things like, I used to be..., and, you might remember me as... Your kids won't have your father's name. Will you keep your married name as I did if you divorce or are widowed for the sake of your kids? Think these things through. They among others will make you empathetic with women.
Mon, Jan.18th 2010
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One more point to last post. If my future husband changed his name to mine I can't explain why but I would feel he was a proper woose and a total wimp. Sorry to any guys that are doing this,but unless you have a really good reason and really special copromised circumstances, it actually makes my skin crawl and I am one strong woman. It makes me feel even stronger by changing my name. Whether we like it or not,there are things that men and women can both do that can make the women feel strong and the men appear like wimps. A simple thing could be a woman pushing a car up hill and the man watching. Why does it just seem wrong. I feel the same about name change in marriage.To go against taking the husbands name and allowing men to be men with their name passed to their sons etc,etc,just seems wrong!
Mon, Jan.18th 2010
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Like Sara,I am also a free thinking type and really questioned whether I wanted to change my name when I am married. I decided if I did not plan to have children, I would keep my name as is. The fact is the reason we are actually getting married is to make that special commitment to each other and mostly so we can start our own family unit. To my mind anyway that also means us all sharing the same name. Myself my husband (cant wait to say that for real) and our children. The thought of my children going to school under a different name to their mother would just seem odd.
Sara
Fri, Jan.15th 2010
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There's no cut and dry right or wrong option. Every couple is unique and shouldn't be judged for doing what works best for them.
Sun, Jan.10th 2010
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To add one more comment. I question whether any wife would be totally happy and accepting of grooms father, mother,then presumably grandchild in marriage,having the same name as the groom,with herself left out in the cold under her maiden name. I would not like that at all!
Sun, Jan.10th 2010
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My sons fiance has stated she cannot wait to become a ?????? (grooms family name) I am so proud of her for doing this and yes as the mother of the groom it does feel like she is totally joining my family as I did when I took my husbands name. It is traditional and in a society where tradition seems less important, it is the one area where a woman can give something very special to her husband. The special gift of a name shared between a father and son which can be caried on through the generations showing a sense of unity and stability for each new generation to come.
john g.
Mon, Dec.21st 2009
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I took my wife's name because America's most wanted wont stop showing my story, now that I'm Ukrainian they will loose their sent and I can get on with my life !!!!
David
Wed, Dec.9th 2009
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Bride and Grooms can also combine their names.That way we can start our own family with a fresh out look. I begged my step father to adopt me when I was a kid so that I could lose my last name, but he thought this was disrepectful to my birth father. I wanted to take my wife's name but because myself and my soon to be father in law share the same first name we decided against this and now we plan on combining our names Trammell + Brumley = Brummell
r.
Mon, Nov.30th 2009
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so my fiancee doesnt want to take my last name. We been engaged for 7 months, and she just now telling me this. She told me how she is dredding to have to change her name to mine, and mentioned how she wanted to keep hers. this is all so over-whelming! she knows i am more of a traditional guy, and all in all i guess it just hurts how she went about it. after seeing how hurt i am, she is now saying she will take my last name, but im not sure if she is just saying that to passify my or if she truely wants to accept my name. (this all happened in one day)Im just afraid if there may be problems or issues in the future...
Ally
Thu, Nov.26th 2009
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I personally cant wait to take my fiancée's last name, there is nothing wrong with my current name but I would just not feel completely married without changing my name to show we are together.
Boston
Sun, Nov.8th 2009
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I'm getting married tomorrow. My soon to be wife will be taking my name. And I'm stoked. It doesn't imply masculine dominance; it implies tradtional supremacy. Tradition still rules, in some homes. If it were tradition to change my name, I would do it. I'm not trying to change society. If society changes because of anything I do, let it be because of higher moral issues, not petty things like surnames.
alpha female
Tue, Nov.3rd 2009
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I can't believe some of the morons on this site. Also, the statistics above showing reversion to tradition are also idiotic. They surveyed women aged 20's ot 70's and found that 18 percent kept their names and 77 percent took guy's name. Not sure what the other 5 percent did. Regardless, that tells us nothing about what women in their 20's and 30's are doing. For all we know maybe all the women taking their husband's names are in their 70's.
Back to the morons here. We'll start with the genius who made some of the comments below.
"Gentlemen, if she won't take your last name, you can take it as a clear sign of what is to come. She's going to boss you around, give you a life full of arguing and complaining, and then one day she will take your house, your kids, and your salary."
In reply, most women who keep their names are independent, and often professional. If you are worried about losing your house and salary, it's the lady who is dependent on you who is more likely to take you to the cleaners. When independent women who earn their own salaries and keep their own names divorce, they usually do not want or need your salary to support them.
"From my experience the women who take hyphenated names in most cases are generally very headstrong and too self-minded for a man who follows tradition. If you feel the need for a woman to take your name and your girlfriend won't you are probably incompatible in others ways as well. She will be bossy and won't recognize you as the "man of the house".
In reply, please marry some doormat who recognizes you as man of the house,, because you are too insecure to be a man in the presence of someone equal to you.
"Love is selfless, if she really loves you and you have a problem with a hyphenated name she would do it anyway if only to make you happy. That's love."
In reply, I guess love is a one way street because if you love her you would do a hyphenated name (yes, you, a hyphenated name) to make you happy. That's love.
Clearly you need someone dependent, insecure, and with low self-esteem who will love you despite the fact that you are selfish, uncompromising, unsure of your manhood, and egotistical.
Sara
Mon, Nov.2nd 2009
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My fiance and I have been together for two years and known each other for eight. I am not changing my name, not because I am pushy, rude, or ugly, as the idiots below have stated, but rather because I simply don't see the point in changing it. After all, I am not changing my identity and I like my name. My fiance and I are partners and complete equeals in our relationship and I am very happy that he is confident and intelligent enough not to be threatened by by a free thinking woman. Obviously, the same cannot be said for many posting here.
Listen to this if you are smar
Fri, Oct.23rd 2009
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"She doesn't have to change her name. No man "forces" a woman to change her last name, despite the feminist rhetoric. Gentlemen, if she won't take your last name, you can take it as a clear sign of what is to come. She's going to boss you around, give you a life full of arguing and complaining, and then one day she will take your house, your kids, and your salary. Where do you think the 50% divorce statistic comes from? Do you think you are immune? Be smart and be patient: there are a lot of non-selfish women out there you can choose instead if you set aside the purely physical approach and search for a woman with a warm heart." - Michael is exactly right
Face the fact, there is such a thing as incompatible people. From my experience the women who take hyphenated names in most cases are generally very headstrong and too self-minded for a man who follows tradition. If you feel the need for a woman to take your name and your girlfriend won't you are probably incompatible in others ways as well. She will be bossy and won't recognize you as the "man of the house". Women like that are aplha females.. You put an alpha female together with a traditional alpha male you get months or years of battles, she will end up taking everything you have to much of the time. Love is selfless, if she really loves you and you have a problem with a hyphenated name she would do it anyway if only to make you happy. That's love.
Rome3232
Wed, Sep.23rd 2009
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My soon to be wife doesnt want to take my name and I want her to but would never think of trying to make her change it. she works for a retail store so it not a profession issue. IDK what to say to her. she was even saying our kids would have her name and not mine. Im starting to wonder if im makin a mistake.......
...wow
Mon, Sep.21st 2009
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Okay my fiancee will be taking my last name, we have discussed it. I'm sure if she wanted to keep her last name we would come to some sort of an agreement. The only thing that puzzles me is the hyphen. For once stop thinking about yourselves, think about your kids. You choose to hyphenate your last name. Then you have a little girl, her name would be something like Angie Brown-Peterson, now since this hyphenating thing has become so common odds are she'll fall in love with a guy with a name like Robert Schaeffer-Johnson. Since they both grew up with hyphenated last names, then there's a good chance that they could hyphenate as well...what I'm trying to say is, at one point some poor kid will have to go through life with a name like Joey Schaeffer-Johnson-Brown-Peterson. Please open up your eyes and see how awful this could turn out to be.
T hernan
Tue, Sep.8th 2009
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is it a "southern tradition" to change your middle name to your maiden name when getting married? ex. julie louise adams becomes julie adams altman
hitesh
Sat, Sep.5th 2009
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Your Comments good
lady doctor
Wed, Aug.26th 2009
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I got my degree and license to practice using my maiden name. The fiance's successful in his own right as well. Our daughter uses his surname. Since my patients would get lost if I suddenly change my name, (say Jane Jones as opposed to Jane Smith, previously) we have agreed to go the hyphenated route with my full name, but use his last name in regular use (Jane Smith-Jones, M.D. for the full name and Dr. Jones in regular usage) that way our kids don't get confused why mommy has a different family name from daddy.
Cycleboy
Sun, Jul.26th 2009
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Invert the question: Should a man change his name after marriage?
If you can give me a sound reason why a man SHOULD change his name I might think about it and consider whether that reason would be appropriate for women too.
Until then...
Steph
Thu, Jul.9th 2009
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Not changing names is only the couple's decision. Some women don't change their names simply because of professional reasons (they've established a business identity with their maiden name). I haven't changed my name to my husband's. Initially, I asked him what he would prefer, as I don't mind either way. We talked about it and he feels fine either way as well. I think that some men might like it and that's perfectly fine.
What I don't agree with is people who insist that if she doesn't change her name she doesn't love him or (that's childish to assume- and there might be other reasons, as explained above). Sometimes some men might claim that "that's the way it's supposed to be"- that the women HAS to take her husband's name. I disagree. This tradition harkens back to the times when women were regarded as property and therefore when married they must change their names to denote "ownership". I realize this is no longer the case and that people for the most part don't think of marriage in this way. I know couples who have altogether changed their last names to some other last name that's not either one of theirs. With some other couples, the husband may take the wife's name and that is perfectly fine too. Only an insecure person or a person stuck in the middle ages would see that as a threat to their manhood/status, etc. If it were important for my husband to see my name and his last name, then yes, I would have no problem changing my name. I think that AS LONG as that desire doesn't come from some feeling of someone wanting to "mark their territory", dominate the other person it's no big deal.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where two people love and respect each other and help each other through everything. Another good choice could be a hyphenated last name. Things should not be one sided. Btw, I also don't agree with women who expect their boyfriends to spend thousands on a ring and get all romantic AND support them financially, while they sit around and play princess and do squat. In a partnership there is equal contribution to the growth of the relationship.
Kelly
Tue, Jun.30th 2009
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My friend's fiancee is taking the bride's last name because he doesn't talk to his family, but she's very close to hers.
anna
Wed, Jun.17th 2009
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what's wrong with just having different names? you're still individuals if you decide to share your lives with each other!
Michael
Wed, Jun.10th 2009
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My fiance is Korean, and they traditionally don't change their last names. Ever.
As for most of the commentors who want the guy to change his last name... what? Have you missed out on the past couple thousands of years of human history?
Majority of societies: patriarchal
Head of household as acknowledged by most world religions: the man
Must be a 'coastal city' thing. We in the Midwest think that's patently absurd.
mary
Thu, May.28th 2009
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what percent of men takin his wife last name? Anyone out there taking his wife last name?
Thalia
Mon, May.4th 2009
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Uncle Mart, marriage is not about a big wedding, a party, or an “old fashion engagement.” It is a commitment to being together, building a life and a family together, and supporting each other. Anyone who is not mature enough to listen and consider their husband or wife’s preferences regarding how they would like to be addressed- is obviously not ready for such an important step.
Devan
Mon, May.4th 2009
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The options of adopting a new last name or taking her last name are both missing. What year was this article written?! We are leaning towards simply keeping our current names but are still thinking it over. We know several couples who opted for "family names" and went for one of these missing options. The several guys I know who have taken their wives names are very happy with their decision. As far as teasing goes, they haven’t experienced any more (or less) than the average man breaking the “we are getting hitched news” to his friends.
ani
Tue, Mar.3rd 2009
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i think one should change as it gives a sense of belongingness but its really very sad to leave ur beloved maiden surname.
rani
Tue, Mar.3rd 2009
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i am also in the same worry that i should change or not not getting
by any other name...
Tue, Feb.24th 2009
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Who would want to get married ? If all the legal formalities, tax brackets, and love as a possession appeals to you, or defines your life, or love, then the name game is for you. Call me what you want, just don't call me late for dinner. Oh, and don't make me kick your butt either.
complicated
Wed, Feb.18th 2009
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My fiance and I are getting married soon and I think I'm leaning toward hyphenating because that is what we did for our daughter's last name when she was born and I would like for her to have the same name so it's easy for others to know I'm her mother. We both (my daughter and I) will go by my husband's last name except when it is legally appropriate to use the full hyphenated version.
profgirl
Tue, Feb.17th 2009
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Just wanted to point out that it can be very difficult for women in certain careers to change their last name, even if they want to. Some may choose to legally change to their husband's last name but still go by their maiden name professionally. For myself and other women, that isn't an option. I have to go through A LOT of legal hurdles to change my last name and professional licensing credentials. It has nothing to do with "how much I love" him.
Michael
Thu, Feb.12th 2009
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She doesn't have to change her name. No man "forces" a woman to change her last name, despite the feminist rhetoric. Gentlemen, if she won't take your last name, you can take it as a clear sign of what is to come. She's going to boss you around, give you a life full of arguing and complaining, and then one day she will take your house, your kids, and your salary. Where do you think the 50% divorce statistic comes from? Do you think you are immune? Be smart and be patient: there are a lot of non-selfish women out there you can choose instead if you set aside the purely physical approach and search for a woman with a warm heart.
Kat
Mon, Feb.9th 2009
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A dude can take a woman's name. Jack White of the White Strips took Meg's name (his name was Gillis.) So be for real...
Patricia
Fri, Jan.30th 2009
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A ha ha ha...! I'm pretty sure most of these "A real man forces his wife to take his name" morons are just trolls.
Seriously, people that ignorant don't EXIST, do they?
Molly
Thu, Jan.22nd 2009
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Grow up people
Uncle Mart
Thu, Jan.22nd 2009
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You can't have it both ways. You can't have the big wedding and him doing all the old fashion things for engagement and then cherry pick the bits "you" don't like. If you don't want to follow the process don't get married because all your wedding would be is a big party.
Stefany
Fri, Jan.16th 2009
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When I marry I will legally hyphenate my last name. I will use my husband's last name for everything I sign but I want both names on legal record INCASE I choose to sign them both. Peace of mind more than anything so I don't feel loss of identity of where I came from. Don't make it a big deal guys, it's the simple things in life such as this that keep some of us feeling important & proud.
Deb R
Wed, Jan.14th 2009
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Wow you people! I've been married 29 years next week and the only person to give me flack about not changing my name was a random old lady 88 years old 25 years ago! Now my daughter is getting married and what to do is her decision and hers alone! She was given both last names of her parents not hyphenated so she could use them both or not. If you don't hyphenate they ae two separate words and can even be used like another middle name.
Some of the guys and gals in this comment section sound like they come from the dark ages. "She belongs to him." YIKES "He not a man" if he use his wife's last name." What a bunch of B.S. Kids!!! Talk to me when you've made a marriage work for 30 years if it made one bit of diffeence what the heck you called yourslef. Get creative people. We quite nearly made up a new name completly but thought no one would ever find us in the history books. ha ha.
Your professional name? Kinda sounded full of myself so I was just honest and said I just didn't want to change it. No Biggy!
hyphenator
Sat, Jan.10th 2009
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Yes Michael, totally rude...and silly! Would you really let the love of your life go because she wanted to keep her own name? Is your pride really worth more?
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I didn't have a problem with taking my husbands name... more just losing mine. It is part of my heritage and my culture and means a lot to me. So I am hyphenating my name. This works, because I have no middle name ) not ridiculously long, and my french surname goes well with his Norman english one. Our kids will have his surname, but I want first dibs on picking their first names as I want them to reflect my culture. If someone called us Mr and Mrs X by accident it's ok.
Michael
Wed, Jan.7th 2009
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I retract my statement. That was rude.
Michael
Wed, Jan.7th 2009
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If a woman won't take your name, she doesn't love you. Hyphenated? What?
Yemi
Fri, Dec.5th 2008
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I think my wife must take up my surname, change is good but not in marriage institution.
KateNJeff
Mon, Dec.1st 2008
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When we got married, we combined our names - not with a hyphen, because that gets too long, but by actually sticking the end syllable of Jeff's name to the beginning syllable of Kate's. It's actually a very cool and unique name, and I've never met a girl who didn't want to bring it up to her future or current fiance as an option. Guys may snort, but that just means that Jeff's more of a man than them. We considered using a brand new name, but couldn't come up with anything that we liked enough, or using Jeff's mom's maiden name which was "lost" because of a string of girls who took their husbands' names. But combining our names just worked out better.
Anita
Tue, Nov.25th 2008
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I would like to be called socially by my new husbands last name but dread the thought of changing my name on every single document and account I have at this time. Any way I could introduce myself as Mrs. Thomas but keep my name as it is( I now use my first husbands last name, he died, we did not divorce)?
Caroline G
Wed, Nov.19th 2008
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Each person, individually, should be able to choose if they want to keep their last name or not, male or female. Your last name won't change our marriage for the better, fix your sex problems, or wash the dishes at night.
Also, for the men who feel so strongly about not take their wife's last name, how is that different than women feeling strongly about keeping their last name? It's not, men just think it makes them less of a man to have the female's last name...why? How is taking her last name any different than taking yours? Why do men feel the need to be more dominant? Or is labeling her with your last name make her your property, therefore make you feel more like a man? This is the Southern BS mentality!
Your name is part of your identity and a name you have grown up with for a few decades before considering to change it because you are legally bound to someone. Men get over off your high horse and out of the1950's.
AJ
Tue, Nov.18th 2008
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ok every one the last name does not matter the fact is ur taking the biggest step of ur life so just enjoy it
Amanda
Mon, Nov.17th 2008
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As a scholar, I sometimes come across difficult naming situations. One such situation arose out of an older scholar changing her last name via marriage. Rosemary X became Rosemary Y and, with no hyphenation, I was at a loss to determine Rosemary's true name. Eventually, I ended up contacting her directly to confirm my suspicious that Y used to be X, but I could very well have been way off target and soliciting a completely unrelated Rosemary.
As for myself, I married before pursuing my doctorate so that all of my important work was published under my married name.
And, @ Kyle F: what a selfish, homophobic, anti-feminist thing to say. Everyone has a family name to preserve, not just men. Every situation is unique and some men may prefer the option of taking their wives' surnames (or even their husbands'!). Please think before you make a bigoted comment.
Brandon
Mon, Nov.10th 2008
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As a tenure-track professor, it's very important that my fiancee keep her last name, so all of the research she has done and articles she has published before we are married will continue to be associated with her career as she moves forward. It is an example of the name indeed carrying qualifications, abilities and achievement. I'm very proud of her, and am looking forward to taking and sharing her name.
Dean
Fri, Nov.7th 2008
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If my fiance either a) wouldn't take my surname, b) wanted a hyphenated surname, or c) wanted me to change my surname to hers, I would just call the wedding off and not marry her.
Name Keeper (and changer)
Fri, Oct.17th 2008
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First, I'd like to let all the men know that there aren't actually harpies who come to chop out certain parts of your anatomy if you decide to change your name to your wife's. I was really encouraged that the conversation here was started by guys who are changing their name; you are awesome. I was also disheartened and a little shocked at many of the fears and anxieties that people shared about this topic. It just goes to show you that sexism is not irrelevant in any marriage; even if you do your best, those are still the external pressures you face and they still affect your marriage in certain places. The name change issue is one of those places, and the fact that some of the men on this board are so strongly against changing their names highlights my point.
After agonizing over it, I decided to make my husband's last name my middle name, and keep my last name (yet another option, but requires a separate court order in some states). He refused to take my last name as his middle name, which I accepted - this is because of sexism, but not necessarily because my husband is sexist.
I also wanted to say to groomgroove that I think it is really great that there is a venue for this discussion. However, I am offended by the implication that the wife's choice of name would be the decision of the couple. I offered my opinion about the name I would have preffered my husband to choose, but the choice was ultimately his, just as my choice was mine. Keeping an open dialogue is certainly important in the relationshp, but, while men are allowed to have an opinion, their wife's name is NOT their choice. The person who has to live with this name is the only person who can make the choice, both legally and morally.
Bee
Fri, Oct.17th 2008
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I'm a teacher, and at work I'm going to keep using my maiden name, but I'm legally changing my name to my husbands name, and will use that in all other aspects of my life. It may be a bit superficial, but being a middle school teacher with the last name Hegg (so very similar to hag) would make for unfortunate comparisons.
Mandy
Sat, Oct.4th 2008
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I love tradition so I would dnever consider taking my last name. And as for a high power job, a name doesn't carry your qualifications, abilities and achievement. If you took your husbands last name, all those things would still go with you.
It's just that everyone else would learn to call you by a different last name.
Audrey
Fri, Sep.12th 2008
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I come from a fairly prominent large family. I quite proud of being introduced to someone and them asking me "so, are you ____'s daughter? Or neice?" My name is my identity, regardless of whether or not I have a strong career. My partner and I discussed my name change, us both hyphenating and decided that for all the trouble of changing names that we would stay as we are and our children would have hyphenated last names since our names sound great together.
My mom feels one of her biggest regrets in married life was not keeping her own name and pushing for my brother and I to have her last name as well. She didn't hyphenate, she added my dad's last name. 18 years later, when they split, she dropped his name. No one was confused by my brother and I having a different name. Simply one correction of "No, not Mrs. ____, my mom is Ms. ___ or simply _____ (her first name).
Which brings up the whole frustration of being "Mrs." No, thank you. I'll be quite simply, Ms. ___ for life.
Jane
Thu, Sep.11th 2008
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I'm proud to say that my husband is secure enough in his identity and in our relationship to never have considered asking a woman to change her name to his, and to always have assumed that any woman he married would want to keep her name. He is also very clear that we are a family and he certainly does not think I am an 'ugly person' as Lisa below so kindly stated. Oh, and I didn't have a 'high-power' job at all. I was unemployed when we got together, in fact, and I'm only just going through grad school now. I don't need an excuse to keep my name. I have the right to keep that link to my identity (or, just to not have to stand in all those lines and do all that messing around) just as much as he does, and just as much as all the men who state they would NEVER - gasp! - take their wife's name.
We have been married almost 6 years, and are very happy and optimistic about our future together.
Some people made silly comments, but they were dealt with appropriately - either it was ignored or a polite request was made to stop (or, in one case, a complaint was made to the person's manager.) The reaction of, say, my father-in-law, is completely irrelevant, as it's as little of his business as, say, his choice of car is my business. Some people did make fools of themselves by purposely or 'accidentally' calling me the wrong name, and others genuinely slipped up, and all were pleasantly informed of my actual name. Simple.
Names have nothing whatsoever to do with what makes a family. Aren't you your maternal grandmother's grandson? You probably have a different name to her. Many cultures have done without last names, or without the custom of women changing, and functioned just fine.
Kristina
Mon, Aug.25th 2008
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Lisa, I honestly haven't read a more vomitous blog comment than your reply. Why not do what you want to do without worrying about what other people are going to think? Worrying about whether other people will think you're a "wet mop" sounds a lot more wimpy than doing what you want. As for the confident and womanly skirt part - that's just frightening.
Jill
Wed, Aug.13th 2008
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My future husband is taking my last name because his last name is Frankenstein. He was made fun of all his life and now is the perfect opportunity to change his name. He is totally fine with it:)
Myra
Tue, Aug.12th 2008
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I Really Dont see a problem with my husband taking my last name.
Sometimes you have to make a few changes in the relation ship, and if he doesn't mine why should others? Besides you dont have to go around explaining to everyone what happens between you and your spouse.
Lisa
Wed, Jul.16th 2008
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Please do not take the woman's last name! That's just...not right. In my family, I'm the last with our family name, so I am choosing to hyphenate. But, my fiancee's cousin chose to keep hers due to her so-called high power job, and it just makes her look like an ugly person, and her husband look like a wet mop. Be the man in our lives, we're YOUR wife, you aren't ours. Treat us like ladies and wear the pants, but allow us to wear a very womanly & confident skirt beside you.
John
Mon, Jun.30th 2008
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A guy take the girls name? Seriously? That guy'll be the laughing stock of poker night!
Deez
Tue, Apr.29th 2008
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I'm not Mister old fashioned, but there's nothing wrong with some traditions. If you want to take on your wife's name or pick some new name just to buck at conformity, so be it. But it seems lame to me, and a knee-jerk reaction to an alleged sexism that isn't necessarily there in every case. A woman strength and independence comes by way of her actions and character, not by refusing her husband's name.
Shannon
Thu, Apr.17th 2008
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My fiancé and I have chosen a new name that is significant and unique to both of us. It was an amusing and interesting experience trying to choose one that we both liked.
Louie
Tue, Apr.1st 2008
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My fiancé is discarding her middle name and going first name, maiden name, my last name. It is another option. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Dash
Mon, Mar.31st 2008
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When I got married, I decided to hyphenate our names, since I come from a family of all girls and the name would then end. My husband surprised everyone and hyphenated as well. We now share a name unique to us, and so does our daughter!
vince
Sun, Mar.2nd 2008
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the way me and my fiancee are doing it, we are sharing names, so we are becoming gelinas-ramsay
Rodney
Wed, Feb.13th 2008
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My fiancee' Chante' has a cool last name and it fits her wll, but She is going to be Mrs. Davis now, no way I will ever change my last name to hers!!
Dawn
Thu, Feb.7th 2008
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Definitely disappointed by the fact that you didn't include taking the wife's name. My fiance was all for taking mine (I have 2 sisters and my father only had sisters so there's nobody to pass the name on) but then his father wouldn't let us. It's a viable option.
Kyle F.
Thu, Feb.7th 2008
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NEVER ever take the womans name on. That is a horrible idea. I am the last male in my family to pass the name on, my wife-to-be has a brother to pass theirs on. If you take on the womans name you mine as well get a sex change and be lesbian with her.
mr soon to be wed
Sun, Feb.3rd 2008
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You know, a name change for men isn't a big deal , and if the stigma attached is ever going to be removed, more guys need to think about it.
Also, there is the concern of "passing on the family name." Well, how do you think the father of the bride feels?
FYI,Don Cherry's son in law did it.
j24
Wed, Jan.9th 2008
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What about a new name altogether?
GroomGroove.com
Mon, Dec.31st 2007
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Hey guys - Thanks for the comments. We will explore taking the wife's name and revisit the article.
Jon
Sun, Dec.30th 2007
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I know more than one man who has taken his wife's last name... so don't say that "no guy is going to do it." It's not the norm, but it's certainly done.
Fri, Dec.28th 2007
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For "Guy" - who is going to take their wife's name? I mean, really. Yeah, i'm sure it's a nice jesture and even if you have a long name, no guy is going to do it.
Guy
Sat, Dec.22nd 2007
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You left out the option of taking your wife's last name!
Nicholas S.
Sun, Dec.16th 2007
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Most definitely a very important step.
Evan A.
Sun, Dec.16th 2007
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I'm taking my wife's last name. We both like it, plus, her last name has more "clout".
Groom
Mon, Sep.17th 2007
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K - that's gotta be a first. But if his name is hard to spell or weird, fine, but his friends are going to make fun of him!
Dean H.
Fri, Aug.10th 2007
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The Hyphenated option sounds just like my fiancee!
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