It is customary for the groom to ask the father-of-the-bride for his daughter's hand in marriage. Now, we said it's customary, but it's also a bit antiquated, formal and possibly misogynistic. It does make you appear to be more of a gentleman, albeit a gentleman from around 1952.  

Is your bride a piece of property?

Part of the history of asking for your daughter's "hand in marriage" is that, according to Biblical scripture, there used to be a price paid for the daughter of a gentleman. The idea was that the woman would no longer be a working member of the father's family. (!) The price was measured in other property, paid to the father. In some places, the tradition still exists, particularly in parts of Africa where not only is a "bride price" paid (not to be confused with a dower), but the woman may be subjected to the highly nefarious practice of female genital mutilation. So, yeah, even today this practice is no laughing matter.

Back in the 21st century, it's your call as to whether you want to do this at all. You may consider asking your girlfriend's father for his blessing, rather than permission. But the guys at GroomGroove.com have got a better idea. The smart groom should consider having this conversation with his girlfriend's parents (both father and mother) rather than following last century's rules. That's an appropriate approach, and going to win you some serious bonus points. In fact, both you and your girlfriend, together, could approach both sets of parents.

Here's how to do it:

• Call your bride's parents in advance, to tell them you'd like to meet, privately
• Meet with both her mom and dad
• Meet in person, if possible
• Tell them you love their daughter and you'll treat her with the respect that she deserves
• Bloody-well believe what you just said
• Ask that they bless your union

Of course, they're going to know that this is coming, but that's all part of the tension building, right?

A recent groom in an interview with GroomGroove.com, Jared Price of New York stated, "It actually turned out to be more awkward than I thought it would be." Jared, a blue-blooded American guy was asking his Italian father-in-law to be. "Being from Italy," Price says, "they're a bit more traditional and so I thought it would be a good idea. They don't hide their emotions, so when I asked and her father blankly stared and said, 'Well, you'll have to ask her...' there was either something lost in translation or the idea that he was somewhat cool to the idea. I guess my advice is be prepared for that." (Gulp.)

Regardless of whether you follow tradition to a T, take up our idea, or forgo the concept completely, you're ahead of the game by thinking of whether to ask your pop-in-law for your girlfriend's hand in marriage.

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Chole

Tue, Aug.10th 2010
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My sister's fiance, who comes from a very traditional southern family, asked my for his blessing, in front of our whole immediate family, after he had already proposed to her. There was a pretty awkward silence afterward because: 1) Our father, while also very traditional, isn't as emotionally attached/engaged in our lives as our mother is, 2) Was confused why he wasn't asked before the proposal, and 3) Felt a little put on the spot that he was being asked in front all the members of our family, and felt funny he was the only one who was asked to bless their marriage. I think this article is very correct that above all else, even if you know the woman and her family very well, to ask your fiance-to-be what she and her family would prefer. This strategy just makes things easier and saves you and everybody else involved potential embarassment. And I'd also like to add that many Dads (and Moms) are can be a bit nervous too at the prospect of somebody tell them they want to marry their daughter, so please do it in person but in private (not in front of giggling younger siblings).

BB

Thu, Jul.22nd 2010
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My fiance's home town is over 2.5 hours away...just far enough to make it difficult to talk to her father without raising any suspisions. Her and I spend 95% of our free time together so disappearing would not have been easy. I got lucky, however, in that her dad came for a visit the weekend before I planned to propose. He was thrilled when I informed him of my plan. I didn't ask him for permission or a blessing as we're both grown men (i'm a little bit older than your average first timer) and professionals. However, I did want to hear his opinion and know how he felt about me joining myself with his daughter for life through marriage. According to my fiance, I earned a lot of bonus points that day and he's happy to have me as his future son-in-law. I don't see anything wrong with calling, but only as a last resort. I did not tell her mother but she knew anyway (mother's intuition and all). If you are on the fence about this topic I would recommend doing it. At the bare minimum you will get respect for doing so.

Tina

Fri, Jun.11th 2010
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I don't want my boyfriend to ask my dad's permission, that decision is mine not his. But I do feel that I need his blessing, and not just his, my mom's too. I agree that asking for a blessing is simply a sign of respect. It's like saying, "Hey, I care enough about you to know what you think. Your opinion may or may not affect my decision, but I'd at least like to hear it." And my family is all about respect, so much so that if my boyfriend didn't ask for a blessing, I think my family, especially my dad, would be hurt. I'm not choosing to do this because of religious beliefs, I'm not religious AT ALL. I'm doing it because I love my family, and I don't want to offend them by not asking. I can see why women are offended, and choose not to follow this tradition. They aren't wrong in their decision. It can be offensive if your husband and father are discussing your future without your say. I guess it just depends on you, your significant other, and your families.

Mark

Fri, Jun.4th 2010
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Okay here's the deal... something EVERYONE needs to understand. When asking for "blessing", you're not asking for permission. and with that said, 9 times out of 10, the prospective wife already has an idea that you're going to ask her if you have't already. That being said, for you women that say you'd be upset that your boyfriend would as your parents for thier BLESSING, but not permission, is kind of silly. as someone said earlier in this posting, .. it's a sign of respect. Showing that you care enough about the family union to say "Can I be your son?" I see absoluetly NOTHING wrong with that. I've said my piece.

Helen

Tue, May.11th 2010
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Joe, You find it hard to believe that some people could find this practice antiquated, and that some women could be offended? Believe it. I would have been livid if my husband had tried to discuss my future with my parents before he discussed it with me, and I am pretty sure my parents would have known that. They had not been involved in my decision making process for a number of years, and I had no intention that they become involved. Make sure you know what your girlfriend would want, before you worry about what her parents would like. Good luck for your impending proposal. Helen

Joe

Thu, Apr.29th 2010
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I find it hard to believe that people think it is antiquated to ask for a father's and/or mother's blessing in their future. What I find even harder to believe is that some women would actually be offended and mad. To her and other like her I say, relax a little bit. It is a sign of respect to the woman and her family. The fact that it was associated with the passing of property in the past is null. Those who still view it as that are the ones who feel like they are property; it is a reflection upon themselves. I could not imagine not asking and it's not something I am looking forward to. (about 2 weeks from now) My girlfriends father is a man of power and wealth and he has a high stress job and is not always in a good mood. More than that he's a ball buster. He certainly will not make it easy, but I'm almost certain he will say yes. I plan to ask both parents at dinner and I know her mom will appreciate that because we (her mom and I) have a good relationship. I want to have a shorter meeting on this occasion so I will pop-in on their dessert (wine) on their ritual Friday night out. That last detail is wholly suited to these two particular people. I can't say there is a right way and a wrong way, but I would never do it over the phone, no matter the distance. You only have to do it once. If I remember I will pop back on to let people know how it went.

Andrew

Thu, Apr.1st 2010
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My girlfriend's natural parents are both divorced and both re-married. She wants to walk down the aisle with her natural father who lives in another country but is very close to her natural mother who lives just around the corner. I'm planning on asking her natural father for his blessing and also her step-dad and mother, but who do I ask 1st? Also, do I ask for their blessing 1st and then pop the question or vice versa?

deepa

Wed, Mar.31st 2010
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i want idea and tips how to purpose a groom

Ben

Tue, Mar.16th 2010
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Well, I just asked my girlfriend to marry me, and had thought long and hard about whether or not to ask her father. I ended up not asking him, for a few reasons - he hasn't shown me anything but disrespect; he didn't ask his wife's father; I didn't want it to sound like he 'owned' her. I think respect is a two-way street, if he doesn't respect you beforehand he won't afterwards anyway. Predictably, he blew up and showed his control-freak colours.

steve v

Wed, Mar.3rd 2010
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Just asked my girlfriends parents for their blessings last week. Both are very happy for us and were appreciative of me asking. Her parents are divorced so I had to do this twice and was surprised that I actually had a bit of nerves leading up to it. All in all, I love my girlfriend and would have asked her to marry me regardless of what anybody thinks including her parents. However, it feels great knowing that the union will be surrounded with positive energy. If either one had a problem with it, I could always say that I did the right thing and that alone would let me spleep well at night. So go for it, remember you're marrying her but they will be a major part of your life. Do the right thing. Best wishes.

Valerie

Thu, Feb.18th 2010
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I can't imagine my boyfriend not asking! Reasons: 1) I want my mom to want him to be her son (yeah, I actually want to have the kind of marriage where he calls my mom mom and I call his parents mom and dad) 2) If he can't have one difficult conversation with my side of the family I fail to see how he can be with me for the rest of my life 3) If my family has some reason for thinking we wouldn't be good together I want to know BEFORE I say yes to a proposal! 4) I am hoping for my family to substantially subsidize the cost of the wedding :P

Julie

Tue, Feb.2nd 2010
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I think this is slightly different from all the advice, but I've been with my boyfriend for four years and I'm basically expecting him to propose soon. I personally would be pretty upset if he asked my parents before me. I love and respect my parents, but feel that I am an adult and make my own decisions. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows this. My point--this is a personal thing! Talk about it with your girlfriend in general terms! If you don't know what she would want, maybe you shouldn't be proposing

Nathan

Sun, Jan.10th 2010
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I have a question, what if the girl's father has past away? Do I still ask for her mother's blessing?

SJA

Thu, Nov.12th 2009
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My girlfriend dad passed away about 6 years ago. Her mom is still alive and her older brother. niether one of us has ever been married before. We are in are late 30's.. should i still ask for here moms blessing? should i include her brother also? I'm a tradiational guy...

Dave

Thu, Oct.29th 2009
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I just did he asking yesterday... my problem was that her parents have remarried and her biological father is on the other side of the globe. Of course i rang her biological father, had a great chat with him, at the end of the conversation i told him the love and respect i have for his daughter and asked for his blessing, he was over the moon and could not stop saying how much he apprecieated me asking. Her step father, who she is close to and lives near us, i just rang up and asked if i could speak to him about somthing, i went around to his office and said similar to him also. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life!!! but god it feels good to know that you have treated her family with respect and trust. My advice is, if the father is approachalbe and you know him well, ask just him, if you don't know him well enough or you don't get along, still have the respect to ask and get her mother involved as well... Good luck!!!

Jay

Wed, Oct.28th 2009
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So i have an issue. I want to ask both of my girlfriend's parents for their blessing. She is very close to both of them but they are divorced and not on good terms so bringing them together is out of the question. I really would like to ask her father first because i think man to man, it's the best thing to do. I have not spent a great amount of time with him but I believe he respects me and i respect him. I have spent a little more time with her mother and i am pretty sure she would be happy. The question is, how should I approach her father? I want to do this in person, but not with my girlfriend around. The problem with her mother is that she would probably be so excited that I'm afraid she would accidently spill the beans. Sorry I am rambling on and on but I am so nervous and anxious about this I just want to do it right. Thanks.

chantel

Wed, Oct.14th 2009
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if the parents of your bride to be died then the next thing is to ask her siblings for her hand in marriage.

Mike

Wed, Sep.2nd 2009
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My girl is close to her parents. They talk everyday on the phone at least once. I am afraid that her Mom, and sister, will not be able to keep it a secret long enough for me to ask. It will be splattered all over facebook! I know my girl definitely wants me to ask her fathers blessing, but I am torn on waiting till after I propose, or maybe the moment before. But what if they dont answer or she catches me on the phone, or they need some time to think about it etc?? Why is "the talk" nerve racking? Putting my self in the fathers shoes....I wouldnt care how great the guy is marrying my daughter, I would have to entertain myself and make him sweat a bit!

frank

Wed, Jul.29th 2009
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My girlfriends parents are in mexico for the whole summer and i originally was going to ask her parents when they got back but.. my girlfriend surprised me with a trip at the end of summer and I want to make it special for us and ask her then. What would be the best way to ask her parents by webcam? or should i just wait till they get back? I really want to do it on the trip though.thanks.

Greg

Sun, Jul.5th 2009
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My Girlfriends parents are lesbians. How do i handle this little hurdle.

scared

Mon, Jun.22nd 2009
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i want to ask my parteners over protecive parents, but there is health issues, they know that i can deal with this as im a nurse. but im worried they'll say no, any advice

mikey's wife

Thu, May.28th 2009
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Your Comments: I am married to a guy known among his friends as "Mikey." He proposed one night, without having fully prepared or planned to do it then. So he called my parents who lived 800 miles from us on the phone. My dad answered the phone, and he said,"Mr. Jones, this is Mike Smith," to which my dad answered, "Mike Smith, Mike Smith. Do I know you?" After a few agonizing moments, he realized who it was and said, "I'm glad you're not going by Mikey any more!" Anyway, that broke the ice, everyone was happy, and we just celebrated our 19th anniversary. No hard feelings for calling right afterwards to ask for the blessing.

Liz

Mon, May.18th 2009
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In response to Heather - if my parents knew I was about to be engaged before I did, I would be *furious*. Blessings can be asked for later. But then, I'm not the type to hire a wedding planner either.

ROBERT

Mon, Mar.30th 2009
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My scenario... there is no future "father-in-law," only a future "mother-in-law." I'd like to show respect and get her blessing. However, since my girlfriend & her mother are so close, I am concerned that her mothrer may not be able to keep the secret. I'm considering waiting until the day of the proposal to ask her mother, but her mother and I may not be alone long enough for me to inquire. Any thoughts or suggestions???

Craig

Fri, Mar.27th 2009
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ok i got a question. i love my girlfriend Lorna so much. and i'm here in landstuhl germany because i got hurt in iraq. well i want to ask her to marry me, but the only way i can do that is through internet phone calls. i would like to wait in person but i just can't wait anymore. is it ok to ask her dad like this??

john

Wed, Mar.18th 2009
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What if my Girlfriends parents are both Deceased. Who Do I ask?

Heather

Thu, Feb.26th 2009
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I am a wedding/ proposal planner and not once have I come across a bride who was not happy that her fiance asked her parents first. If their fiance didn't, most of my brides secretly vent how they wish their fiance would have. You cannot go wrong by asking for their blessing. It is not because your gf is a piece of property but that you are illustrating you respect for her and her family.

Rigger In Love

Thu, Feb.12th 2009
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This is for MWC... I did not know my girlfriends parents, but I knew that me being a man of chivalry and tradition, the parents blessing was a must. I told her I wanted to go to her home town to meet with her parents, with my secret intent to pose the question. They did not know me before hand, only what she had talked of me. I waited for her to go to sleep and then posed the question after knowing her rents for only 2 days! They were ecstatic and her father's response, "You did the right thing, what I'd have done, you asked me first, thank you for the respect, you have my blessing." I suggest you do it in person, it is a much more powerful approach

Prince alex

Mon, Feb.2nd 2009
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Hi everyone... Let me tell you my experience. I was in love with a girl in my college.An year ago when i finished my studies i decided to marry her. First i called her dad and told him, that i love his daughter, i want to marry her.i asked him one year time for me to find a job in my field.That time he said he will wait for my call..... Now i got a good job and i called him. he said he was glad that i kept my word.now our marriage is fixd for this august 2009. my openion is, Get the blessing from elders........ then only we can have a peaceful life

Maria

Fri, Jan.23rd 2009
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I am a traditional person in a NON-TRADITIONAL lifestyle (I am a lesbian) I am the butch in the relationship (not that there always has to be a butch and femme) I am about to ask my Girlfriend in the next few months to marry me...I am also planning before asking her to talk to her parents and ask for their blessing! I believe in asking the parents for their blessing and letting them know how much their daughter is loved and cherished and will be for the rest of her life!

Grumpy Groom

Thu, Jan.22nd 2009
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My fiancee didn't pressure me to ask her parents' permission first. But I did anyway, out of respect. It turns out that I didn't get a chance to ask her dad in person but I left him a voicemail. He told me that he really appreciated the courtesy. So even though we didn't speak directly, I'm still glad that I made the effort to give him a phone call.

Jason

Thu, Jan.15th 2009
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I find that the female wants to be able to suprise her mother with the new great news. Fathers can usually hold it in.

MWC

Thu, Jan.8th 2009
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Ok I have two questions/comments.... 1 - For those of you who included the mother, was she able to keep the surprise, or did she spill the beans? 2 - How to handle setting up a face to face meeting if you are not close to her parents? Or if distance is an issue, is the phone an alternative?

TO AMBER

Thu, Jan.8th 2009
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You would be offended???? Wow!! You really need to get a life, if you are offended by that...You should be proud that your boyfriend (if you even have one) faced the fire and had that very hard conversation with your parents...It's not that you are being passed around, it's simply a matter of a simple formality...do I have your blessing sir? YES YOU DO, well...let's have a wedding then! (IF SHE SAYS YES, AND IS NOT OFFENDED BY THIS)

Shakera

Mon, Jan.5th 2009
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I would be offended and would not get married without my fiance asking my parents for their blessing. My family is extremely traditional and I like it that wat

Amber

Thu, Nov.27th 2008
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I would be offended if my boyfriend asked my father or parents for permission to marry me becasue it is so antiquated. I make my own decisions and am not property being passed around. And I'm not a "princess" and think it's revolting that grown women think they should be put up on some throne and served by someone who should be their partner not their servant. Women who go into marriage with that expectation are going to be very disappointed. I see no point in going to the parents either to let them know ahead of time or getting their blessing. What if they say no? Do you still get married? Probably, so what was the point?

Chris

Mon, Nov.10th 2008
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Well I just asked my girlfriend to marry me two days ago, and yes I asked "permission" I put it in quotes due to the wording I used, blessing. And if you think your going up to a very anal retentive father, who will verbally murder you, then I suggest you ask the mom to come along as well, they typically will run interference for you without knowing it since they know his moods and tells better than you. As for the guy asking her father over the phone, that probably wasnt the best idea to begin with (asking over the phone), take a shot, calm down, everything will be fine and ask in person.

Carole

Thu, Nov.6th 2008
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As the mother of the groom, I think it's a good idea. My husband did not talk to my father about his intentions -- and my Dad's been upset about it for decades. Words? "I love your daughter very much. I want her to be my wife. The official marriage proposal has not happened yet. I just wanted you to be one of the first to know how I feel." See? You're not asking for his permission or blessing. Trust me, your joint engagement announcement will go much more happily when the parents know it's coming. Getting blindsided is not good.

rat!!!

Mon, Oct.27th 2008
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sorry i spelled my name wrong. the name is Ray. see how nervous i am about this

Rat

Mon, Oct.27th 2008
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My girlfriend is Japanese. she lives in Tokyo. I am in the military and i will be going to Japan next month to see her parents and ask for her hand in marriage. THe thing is that they dont know english so we thought it would be a good idea to wright a letter for the both of them to read i will mail the letter to her and she will translate it in japanese for me. is that a good idea? i dont see any other option. i cant learn japanese in 3 weeks. but if i had to then damnit i will!!

Mike

Sat, Sep.27th 2008
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I debated whether or not to ask my girlfriend's father. I wa s like "I don't ned his stinkin permission" Then she conveyed that she thought maybe I should ask. What it ultimately came down to in my mind was this: 1-If she wants me to and thinks it would be good for us and good in his eyes...why not? 2-If he is planning to spend a big chunk of change onm our wedding, I had better give him the heads up so he can get some finances in order. About 6 weekd before I planned to propose, I asked him to meet me for dinner and rather than asking permission, I just explained how much I loved his daughter and let him know that I intended to ask her to marry me in the near future. He loved it and was very happy that I went to the effort of that. He gave some great advice and we had a good dinner and a good talk. And when I told her about it later, she loved it. It was win win win. I highly recommend it!

Fred

Wed, Aug.13th 2008
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I really couldn't imagine not asking, in my case. I told him my plans for the coming weekend (over the phone) and it was dead silence. He's a very wealthy man (extremely) and obviously has trust issues. He said he's not surprised however is not pleased. "What?! I didn't get that." Most jaw dropping speechless uncomfortable moment of all time, considering we have had dinner together 100 times and been on vacations together. Humiliating, sad, and embarrassing. F him.

jac

Sun, Jul.27th 2008
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i am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me in april next year when we are on holiday . this gives me plenty of time so that i can have our house ready and we will be living in it . it also gives me time to save you some more money before i do ask her that i can give her the wedding see dreams of . i am half way there now with the ring but want to ask for the blessing of her mum and dad but when is the best time to ask them sooner or later to the time . have any of you got any advise thanks

Laura

Mon, Jul.21st 2008
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My boyfriend and I went to our parents together. I would not have wanted him asking my parents' permission. I was an adult; I made that decision for myself. However, I do love and respect my parents, as he does his, so we went to each set of parents and *as a couple* and told them we'd decided to get married, and hoped we had their blessing. (We were going to do it regardless, of course. We just didn't say that bit out loud...) They were all delighted, and pleased at how we'd handled it. Of course, we were also paying for our own wedding, so we didn't have to tiptoe through those particular politics. That's okay. Me, I'd prefer to be an independent adult.

Lisa

Wed, Jul.16th 2008
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Guys, As a woman, without a doubt, if you are debating whether or not to ask, please do. It shows respect not only to our family, but to us, as your brides-to-be as well. It shows that you care enough about the important people in our lives to incorporate them in this big decision. Jenna Bush, the president's daughter, her fiancee actually asked her twin sister as well. We'll find it so sweet that you're treating us like the princess you think we are.

Jason

Tue, Apr.8th 2008
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i think if you do it you will show that you respect the father, which you will need after you get married and would like to borrow his porsche or hopefully get a nice wedding present.

Patrick

Thu, Feb.7th 2008
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I called my future in-laws and met with them in private. I discussed it with both of them, which I really suggest doing, as it includes her mother in the process. Everything went just fine, and her mom even cried a little. However, I really suggest you know the answer going into this, just like knowing the answer your special girl will give too. I absolutely don't regret asking their blessing in advance.

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