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changing your best man or groomsman [Page 1 of 1]

Grooms - being men - are supposed to be decisive. If the groom offers the job of best man or groomsman to a brother or a buddy, it's a contract that is very hard to break. But what happens if you want to kick out or fire your best man or one of the groomsmen from the wedding party?

Some questions to think about:

•  If you fire the best man or groomsman, is that going to cause you and your bride more, or less, wedding planning stress?

•  Do you have a replacement for the best man or groomsman?

•  Will your friendship with the fired best man or groomsman be negatively affected?

Changing your best man or groomsman should be a last resort

Once you've asked a buddy or a brother to be a best man or groomsman, the vote of confidence in them has been made (not just by the groom, but by your bride as well, who tends to have a veto on groomsmen.) If you've give one of your buddies the vote of confidence, there's gotta be a compelling reason to get rid of the best man or the groomsman.

There could be several reasons for changing the best man or changing the groomsman.

Groomsman no doing his job

You'll know from reading our articles on best man duties and groomsman's duties that the best man and groomsmen have lot to do in preparation for wedding day.   Accordingly, if your best man or groomsman is not doing something that is critical to his role as a groomsman or best man, that is certainly grounds for conversation, at a minimum. GroomGroove.com suggests approaching your groomsman directly.

That said, you should be giving your guys another chance to do right. They've got to get fitted for a tuxedo and show up to the rehearsal and wedding on time. They may even be required to make a wedding speech.

Weddings are expensive affairs, and sometimes groomsmen will accept your offer to be a groomsman without really considering that it might actually cost them money to participate. If you've got groomsman that is being coy about booking his flight, getting fitted for a tuxedo or even accepting the formal invitation, that may be a sign that your buddy may not be totally committed to being your groomsman. That's not great, but better to know this long in advance of your wedding. In this case, you're not going to "fire" your groomsman or best man, as much as you're going to suggest they step aside.

The best man or groomsman can't make it to the wedding

Sometimes, life intervenes or threatens to intervene. "I was asked to be a groomsmen in a wedding," says Brennan Burke, a regular guy living in Victoria, British Columbia, "but I'm serving in the Navy. I found out about 3 months before the wedding, and after having accepted to be a groomsman, that we were getting shipped out for a 6 month tour." In a case like this, or where your groomsman may be in the middle of final exams, a cross-country move or starting a new job, you're right to ask your groomsman if he can still commit to the wedding or whether there's anything that could get in the way of him showing up on wedding day.

Doing something dumb

It takes a really serious incident for the best man to lose his title. Only you know if this incident and potential future behavior qualify as reasons for dismissal. Doing something really dumb qualifies as a reason for firing a groomsman or best man. How dumb? Real dumb. Dumb enough that you don't want to just fire him, you want to kill him. A criminal offense, or pissing off your bride, for example. In one case, a bride contacted the GroomGroove.com Wedding Chick and explained that: "A few months back (pre-engagement), my fiancé and I were out at the bar with the best man and his girlfriend. The best man got pretty drunk and said some insulting things to me." Yeah - that kind of thing rises to the level of grounds for firing a groomsman. [Page 1 of 1]
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Wed, Sep.14th 2016
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Your Comments
Confused
Wed, Sep.14th 2016
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So my best man changed my bucks party around involving a torture show for me and getting my girl really pissed because I was so drunk I can't even remeber most of it or it would go that far, I didn't make out with any one or sleep with anyone but I was drugged and other stuff happened. now I want the best man gone and to try to forget I had a bucks in the first place because I feel stupid as.
Steve
Wed, Feb.11th 2015
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Would really appreciate any advice on the below, many thanks. My brother is my Best Man. I asked him right away when we got engaged last December (Were getting married in June). He has just announced that he too is getting married in July. But he has made his friend (A guy he knows about 10 years) Best Man and his two sons groomsmen. Whats bugging me is he has been very quiet about it and never told me this. I had to find out from my mother who had to ask him.. This is what is bothering me. It has put a stain on our wedding and I cant shake it:( What should I do? My three friends are groomsmen also and I have known them over 30 years. I would have been fine about it had he told me. As i know it would have meant that he cared somewhat and it was a tough choice. Thanks again
Michael
Fri, Sep.6th 2013
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Mon, Aug.26th 2013
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Thu, Aug.22nd 2013
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Steve
Thu, Jan.17th 2013
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This might be a slightly different issue, but I was in a position where I was forced to "demote" my best man to a groomsmen. He wasn't overly offended by it, and this may be a better solution than kicking them out entirely. If something so extreme happens that it necessitates kicking out a groomsmen, I would hope they'd be man enough to admit they weren't the right person for the job and step down. I got some good advice from www.bettergroom.com that helped deal with situations like these.
sonhasnoballs
Mon, Oct.29th 2012
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my son is to be married this coming spring, he asked his brother to be the best man,my son(best man)just broke up with the brides best friend because she cheated on him. my son(groom)and his fiance dumped the grooms sister and brother(best man) over this breakup because the bride was best friends with the best mans girlfriend, the best man deleted all his contacts with her on face book including the bride because of their being friends and this is why the bride has told the groom he cant have his brother be the best man or his sister as a bridesmaid,now I'm pissed at my son the groom and his fiance and I don't even want to go to this wedding because my son the groom has done this at his last wedding because his girlfriend didn't want any one in our family at her wedding for no reason ,I"m not kidding !!! For no reason and he married her anyway and then they asked us for money...so now I see this happening and I'm freaking out on the inside about being the next one to be chopped by his fiance.please help !
Wed, Apr.25th 2012
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6 days before the wedding and best man had a fued with family and cant be best man - dont even know if we (bride and groom) can change the schedule to another best man this short notice what to do ?
steve
Mon, Dec.12th 2011
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my bestman has booked a holiday for the day after our wedding.Its an early morning flight so he can't stay until the end.Im worried his mind will be elsewhere on the day.
Bubby
Mon, Oct.31st 2011
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Is that really all there is to it because that'd be falbberagsitng.
Adam Chase
Tue, Jul.19th 2011
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Patty
Mon, Mar.14th 2011
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I have a question, not a comment. My fiances best friend was supposed to be our best man. We are now thinking of not even inviting him. He continues to say things like, we should cancel or wedding (not even postpone-CANCEL!), he continues to make fun of my fiance for him wanting to marry me, has heard things (all lies) and has never said anything nice about us getting married-other than he likes my fiances ring. Do you think these are grounds to NOT have him be our best man-or not invite him all together?
Tue, Nov.9th 2010
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Your Comments
me
Thu, Jun.10th 2010
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One month out from the wedding and my 'best mate/best man' tells me he can't fly overseas to my wedding cause he's 20 grand in debt. He's known about this for over a year... Do I ask another mate who is also a friend of my now former best man? He will know of course that I never intended to ask him.
Walter
Wed, May.19th 2010
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How bout this: My brother of 45 yrs said no one month before my day. He erroneously thinks that I have manipulated my Mother's will to flavor me. He is unfortunately, acting like a child and will "boycott" the wedding. That's how he treats his 90 year old mother. So next in line is my Son. So much for family solidarity. Oh yes, my brother also thinks he is a good Christian too. Sad.
Martino
Sat, Jan.23rd 2010
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I am confused about who should be my best man. I have two very close friends - one from college and the other after college who incidentally is the fiance of my fiancee's best friend and her best lady. My bride wants her friend's fiance to be my best man but I don't know what to tell my college friend because he thinks the baton is automatically on him to be.
jim
Fri, Aug.28th 2009
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My best friend was asked to be my best man and he was really excited when I asked. Well now we are 3 weeks before the wedding and he had never planned a bachelor party and out of frustration cancelled it. So now one of the other groomsman has taken over the situation and is planning it but he was the next runner up for the position so I dont know if I should make him the new best man.
Robert
Wed, Jul.29th 2009
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Stephen - I originally had a guy be my best man who I was best buddies with in college but it was more out of obligation becuase we always joked about it. However, now 7 years later, I've made other great relationships and was conflicted whether I wanted one of them. I have a hard time ranking my friends, especially when they're ALL my best friends. My solution: I made them all my bestmen. I assigned each of them a special role in the ceremony...one will carry the ring, one will give the speech, one will sign the witness certificate, etc. My bride said she was cool with this. Anyway, hope it works for you.
Stephen
Thu, Jan.22nd 2009
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I asked an old roommate to be my best man a year before the wedding. We subsequently lost touch for a good while, barely exchanging text messages and emails since he moved 2 1/2 hours away. Over the past 7-8 months, I have become extremely good friends with another roommate and consider him to be my best friend. I want to have this second guy as my best man, but also to keep my first friend as a groomsman. Should i just outright tell the first friend that I want a switch? How should I handle this?
urAngel
Wed, Jan.7th 2009
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My fiance's best man choice was a no brainer for him. He had gone to school with this guy and had become really close to him. Apparently this "best man" wasn't too fond of me, and told his girlfriend that I was telling my fiance he should be kicked out of the wedding and replaced with someone I liked (which is completley false!). His girlfriend then proceded to pick fights with me via email and text message, acting completely immature! My fiance asked his "best man" to tell his girlfriend to cool it with the harrassing behavior, but with no success, the guy actually stopped returning my fiance's phone calls and text messages! So he's been replaced with my fiance's close friend who is a much better fit and is alot more responsible. We could of saved ourselves alot of time and stress if we had chosen him before, but whats done is done and now our summer wedding will be perfect!
,
Thu, Nov.20th 2008
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Your Commentssdfa
Kelli
Mon, Jul.7th 2008
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One of my Fiance's groomsman wouldn't return any of our calls, emails or text messages...my fiance was away, and he asked me, can you call "X" and ask him to confirm these things - such as - did he get his tux sorted, did he reserve his hotel room, is he participating in a get together we were having to discuss important plans, was he attending the rehearsal dinner...he knew I was the one planning, but refused to talk to me, and sent me a vast array of text messages, one of them saying - "last time I checked, I was a groomsman, not a bridesmaid!" - he refused to contact me, and so we had to let him go! If he couldn't be bothered even speaking to me kindly, then why have him as a part of our day...what a jerk! The point is, it does not matter if you hear from the groom or the bride; everyone is in it together, just answer the darn question! What is the big deal!!??

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